dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
