someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
