new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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