Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
