come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
