I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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