I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
