i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
