Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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