i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
