Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
