Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
pray to the hookup gods
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
