the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.