Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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