Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Edward fifth and chaser hands
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT