well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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