When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
try to milk me bitch
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