Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
