Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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