Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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