I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
