We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The Olympian is in my bed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
