i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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