Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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