Just fell off a train. Bad.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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