Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
