I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize