There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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