Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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