i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
