i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
