I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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