No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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