Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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