my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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