Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
