Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
