every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
