As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
