Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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