Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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