There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
