I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
