Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
