I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
