She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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