is your mom at the bar?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
