I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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