Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
