I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
