What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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