Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
