No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
