You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
