I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
