After last night, I could never be a politician.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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